Thank-You Letter to the Daily Mail

UPDATE: Now you can watch us thank the Daily Mail in person!

Dear Our New Favourite Newspaper, The Daily Mail:

A thousand thanks for your tireless support for the much-abused Calais migrants! (Or, as they’re also known, “Fellow Human Beings”.)

Some freeloading scroungers might have cynically used your festive promotional offer with P&O Ferries to go over and stock up on cheap continental booze and fags. But we know you meant to launch a D-Day-style flotilla of solidarity with Fellow Human Beings who have fled the blood and torture and killing and more blood and bombs (paid for by the British taxpayer!) in the hope of joining us in El Dorado where you can’t even have a fag indoors any more.

Your courageous humanitarian stance should be saluted – but instead you’re constantly pilloried by the loony left as “anti-immigration”, “anti-welfare” and “anti-freeze”. Everyone should clearly understand your newspaper is cover-to-cover political satire!

For example, we found your ironic article of January 15, “Michelin Chef And Curried Turkey”, to be an absolute hoot! The story was a lampoon of the highest order – imagine “thousands” of Fellow Human Beings being served “three-course meals” by a “three-star Michelin chef”!*

All this frivolity is “partly-funded”, of course, by… the British taxpayer! We love that catchphrase and the comic effect would simply evaporate if you were to list all the funders, the Cypriot, Latvian and Bulgarian taxpayers – in fact, every EU taxpayer. No, the gag wouldn’t have worked in the slightest.

Satirical Daily Mail Calais migrant story alongside hard-hitting news story about a woman wearing see-through pants.

What a shame fact-starved “Cheddarcakes” didn’t see the funny side, commenting on your spoof article, “They eat better than I do! And when they make it here, they will be put in a 4-star hotel.”

Don’t you hate it when a joke falls flat?

Your comically embellished language conjures up images of Fellow Human Beings dining out on British taxpayer’s money, as they whimsically discuss with the starched-shirted waiter the troublesome quandary of whether to have a starter and a main, or a main and a dessert – utterly priceless!

Of course, everyone knows the food at the miles-out-of-town day centre is not enough to feed even a quarter of the Fellow Human Beings in Calais, even once a day. The people we helped, thanks to your generosity, hadn’t had a meal in two days.

“Spacious accomodation in a leafy Calais suburb…”

A straight-laced piece of fuddy-duddy “factual” journalism would naturally have mentioned such realities and maybe too the violent harassment by police, pepper spray in the face, daily beatings – we met one chap who’d been chased into barbed wire, slashing open an eyeball or two!

But you played it for laughs and, inspired by your cutting satire, we used the money we saved on the ferry to do a supermarket sweep for “hundreds of smiling migrants”, packed forty to a room in a squalid end-of-terrace, without electricity, running water or heating.

“Oh, well, if we’re all having starters..!”

On a border where a Fellow Human Being is killed every two weeks trying to cross the Channel, everyone finds the idea that Britain has an “open door” policy on immigration to be absolutely gut-busting.

Syrian Daniel, 32, said he hadn’t laughed so much in months, not since he was quoted $2000 to cross the Mediterranean in a rusty bucket. He sends his thanks for the morale-boosting laughs – keep up the good work!

In peace and solidarity,

Beth and David

p.s. After running the Daily Mail Big Fact Checker, it was found that this “three-star Michelin chef” had once been a trainee at a one-star restaurant. This is like saying you’re an Oscar winner when you once did an internship with Carlton Television.

p.p.s. Thanks for the free bottle of wine! The perfect way to wind down after a hard day’s solidarity.

Be like Satirical News Journal The Daily Mail and Support Calais Migrants!

1. Book a ferry ticket with P&O by the 1st of February, using code DAILYMAIL4, to take advantage of the Daily Mail’s humanitarian largesse.

2. Pack up a backpack or load up a car with tents, blankets, (men’s) shoes, winter jackets and a couple of sets of dominoes. If you have none of these things, take a warm hug and a friendly smile.

3. Visit the migrant camp at Impasse des Salines or the “Jungle” along Rue des Garennes. If you want to support activists in Calais, contact Calais Migrant Solidarity on +33 75 34 75 159.

4. Enjoy your free bottle of wine, courtesy of our sponsor, The Daily Mail!

p.s. Harkerboy comments that, “We should all go to Calais and demand that we are looked after in this camp”. This picture is for you!

Home, sweet home…

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David Charles is co-writer of BBC radio sitcom Foiled. He also writes for The Bike Project, Thighs of Steel, and the Elevate Festival. He blogs at

30 thoughts on “Thank-You Letter to the Daily Mail”

  1. Not sure what strings you pulled to get into the mainstream press but one day you will grow up like I had to do. My touchy- feeley, tree hugging days are behind me as I see yet again four foreign nationals sentenced to 19 years each this time for viciously attacking a law professor. [Ed: Aggressive content deleted – soz.]

    1. I’m not going to publish (most of) this comment because it was a pretty aggressive. Suffice it to say that rape and murder are totally abhorrent when committed by anyone, anywhere – nationality has got nothing to do with it and nor have my wife, mother or sister!

      I’m sorry for whatever experience has turned you so vehemently against non-British people. Live and let live, eh?

    2. Strings pulled: Writing a piece that captured the imagination because a lot of people share empathy with vulnerable human beings who are escaping terror in their homes and who have sacrificed more than we’ll ever know to try to contribute to society. And a lot of people love seeing a newspaper who write so much hate being used to show solidarity with those vulnerable human beings.

  2. Nobody told them to wait for lorries so that they could come into our country illegally. We cannot afford to support our own families let alone people who have no right here.

    1. Empathy isn’t a zero-sum game. We can afford to do all of these things and some people in this country will fight to do them: supporting or helping all people to achieve their full potential in life. I see no difference between you and the people in Calais. I wonder what you would do in their situation, suffering from extreme drought and civil war that has destroyed their livelihoods and killed their families? Suck it up, I suppose, with a stiff upper lip. If you haven’t already, then why not go to Calais and meet these people, share your stories and listen to theirs?

    2. What does ‘no right here’ mean? According to EU law we are allowed to move freely within the EU. Consider why they are doing this – if you had to flee persecution or had no work prospects or were a victim of war wouldn’t you want to go somewhere safe too? To risk your life in order to find a better one takes a certain amount of desperation. The problem is not with the migrants, it’s with the system that delivered them there.

  3. Great initiative! A friend and I are seeking to go – we have lots of experience working with Eritrean and Ethiopian and Sudanese refugees and I think we could be helpful. Can you tell us how to reach you to get some details? [Ed.: personal details removed!]

    1. Thanks! 😀

      Good luck with your trip, Pam, and share your thoughts when you get back. It’s really inspiring to see others go over there and see the situation for themselves, rather than just sniping at vulnerable people from the safe shores of Britain (I’m looking at you, Daily Mail!)

  4. This is a fantastic wonderful idea, (I come via the guardian article) – I’ve missed the offer but they do come up now and again – if it comes up again or I spot another deal do you mind if I email you for logistics ideas? thanks x

    1. Of course! It would be a pleasure. You can also get in touch with Calais Migrant Solidarity. You can, naturally, visit Calais even when there isn’t a wonderfully satirical Daily Mail offer – the ferry isn’t too expensive if you have a car and pack it full of friends.

      And thanks for the support – share, share, share! The more people who visit and see for themselves, the better. 😀

  5. Thanks Beth and David! I’m so moved by this. I feel so hopeless for not being to help these people and angry to hear so much heartless comments. I am thinking of doing the same with my daughter and going there to help. Could you please let me know any tips and who to contact there so whatever we do and bring are the right things.

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